Tales From the Cola Wars: A Veteran’s Perspective
I was watching an old family video, from 1989 mind you, when I spotted something I haven’t personally experienced in decades. The thing of which I speak is a bottle of cola. Yes, that dark and sugary nectar of the teen set (at least when I was a teen) packed with enough sugar and caffeine to make even the least cognizant student in the classroom look like he cared.
We drank a lot of cola back in the ’80s and ’90s. We also had alarmingly short attention spans which, let’s be honest here, was no coincidence. We drank so much cola back in the day that dentists had their own tax bracket. Oh yeah, and you were either a Coke guy or a Pepsi guy. Unless, of course, your parents were too poor for the real stuff, in which case you might be stuck with RC Cola — the soft drink equivalent of the female Ghostbusters. It was out there, but nobody cared.
A Scientific Mystery
Scientists are still trying to figure out exactly what’s in cola. More to the point, they want to know why so many adults are still hooked on it. Is it just liquid candy for people who are too old for Pez dispensers and too sophisticated for those giant plastic Pixy Stix?
Listen. Cola peaked when my generation was in its late teens and early twenties. We were also into Pop Rocks, disco, and Chico and the Man – so you know we had problems. But cola was our outlet. Who cared if it rotted our teeth and gave us nuclear acne? We had enough energy to make a sugared-up toddler look sluggish, at least on most days.
We didn’t care about the empty calories, either. In fact, I always thought ‘Empty Calories’ would be a great name for a TV series about a U.S. President who’s two Twinkies short of a full box, if you know what I mean. And no, in case you’re wondering, I never mixed Twinkies and cola, especially when I was riding my bike. Don’t sugar up and ride. Right?
I Know It’s Bad for Me
If, at this point in my ramblings, you are rolling your eyes and sighing at my unhealthy beverage choices as a younger person, you can let it rest. I know cola is bad for me. I knew it back then. But what was the healthy alternative? Kale juice?
Sorry dear readers, but liquefied veggies and plant-like materials resembling sea grass harvested from very near the outflow of a nuclear waste facility don’t seem that appetizing to me. Perhaps a regular diet of kale and algae smoothies could help with the nuclear acne, but then my face would glow in the evening hours. I would look like Taylor Swift with even more makeup that I don’t really need.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am happy with my previous decision to drink so much cola that I have a bust in the soft drinks hall of fame, right next to that guy who sang the Dr. Pepper song with a fake smile that only a Jimmy Carter voter could put on. These days, cola isn’t even on my radar. In fact, nothing’s on my radar at this point. I eat and drink what the doctor tells me to eat and drink, unless it’s a vegetable and algae smoothie, of course.
Meet Me Down at the VCW
No, I’m not part of the cola wars any more. I was discharged, with honor I might add, lo these 20 years ago. But you’ll find me down at the Veterans of Cola Wars (VCW) clubhouse every now and again, throwing back cold shots of vitamin water and telling stories about the good old days. We lost a lot of good men back then. Many a mother and father got the bad news that their sons and daughters went on a health kick.
If you’re interested in hearing what we vets have to say, meet me down at the VCW on Tuesday. I’ll be the guy wearing the Back to the Future T-shirt and holding a bottle of water. Just help me out and don’t bring a Coke with you. I don’t think I could handle the flashbacks.
