Rumors of My Death and How the SSA Might Respond
The great Mark Twain once wrote that “the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated” in response to rumors that he was gravely ill and may have already died. Turns out the Twain-man was very much alive at the time. He might still be if the Social Security Administration (SSA) has anything to say about it.
By now you’ve heard that the illustrious SSA – motto: Give Us a Name and We’ll Pay Somebody Something – has a computer system so old and outdated that it can’t keep accurate records on who is actually alive vs. who has assumed room temperature.
Given that the SSA database still lists people as being alive at 150 years old, it’s conceivable that the late, great Hal Holbrook, who played Twain on Broadway, could still be receiving Social Security checks – not that they would be enough for a corpse to live on, of course.
Death Is No Longer So Final
Assuming room temperature doesn’t necessarily equate to death when you’re talking about government software. Likewise, breathing doesn’t necessarily indicate life among certain politicians of the geriatric set. Nancy, Chuck, Joe, and Lisa – here’s looking at you, kids. But I digress.
It used to be that death was final. You die, your body goes in the ground, and everyone tells magical stories about your life. Then it’s on to the next event your relatives are scheduled to attend. Meanwhile, your corpse ends up as a worm infested buffet for all sorts of soil-based life forms.
The SSA eventually catches up with your lack of a physical presence and immediately terminates payments. At least that’s how it’s supposed to work. But crazily enough, it doesn’t really work that way which, by the way, confounds me.
My wife and I can have a conversation – in the privacy of our own home, mind you – about pig snot and its health benefits to humans stupid enough to eat it, and you can bet that the next time I grab my phone to answer a text, I will see an ad for pig snot dietary supplements. It might even feature an image of Paula Deen inviting you to throw in a couple of pounds of butter!
So what was my point? Oh yeah, I remember.
Constant Surveillance, Incompetent Bureaucracy
We live in a world that constantly surveils us by way of our phones and smart home devices. Meanwhile, an army of 30-something techno geeks can tell us everything from what we had for breakfast to whether or not quitting a good job to pursue American Idol fame is a wise idea, based on one’s melodious pinings while in the shower. But the all powerful SSA can’t figure out that a 100-year-old Hal Holbrook retired from living four years ago?
When I die, somebody please tell the SSA that rumors of my death are not greatly exaggerated. Tell them that I am, in fact, dead. Call Elon if you have to. Otherwise, my body is going to have a heck of a time filing tax returns from its subterranean home.
