Possibly Reliable Medical Advice — Save Us From the Memes!
Hello again, dear readers, and welcome to the latest installment of Possibly Reliable Medical Advice from Someone Whose Signature Looks Like a Doctor’s. in this column, we will take a closer look at one of the more annoying medical conditions resulting from our collective obsession with the internet. I am, of course, referring to memeicitis.
An estimated 2.6 bajillion internet users show symptoms of memeicitis on any given day. Chronic memeicitis suffers demonstrate more acute symptoms than others, symptoms that are easily observed by paying attention to what they post on social media. To learn more, let’s get to our customary Q&A format made possible by readers like you (maybe) who are thoughtful enough to send in questions.
A: In medical terminology, the suffix ‘itis’ refers to inflammation. Therefore, memeicitis is typified by inflamed memes. And no, memes are not those strange looking bumps that start appearing on your back exactly three seconds after you turn 55. Memes are those short blurbs people post on social media just to get likes and follows. Most of them suck.
Q: How can a meme be inflamed?
A: Speaking as someone pretending to be a medical professional just for a few cheap laughs, I can tell you this: you would be surprised by what can actually become inflamed. I could tell you stories of my Aunt Matilda’s bunions whenever it rains. As for memes, your right. They can’t be inflamed, mainly because they have nothing at all to do with Aunt Matilda.
Q: So how can memeicitis be a real thing, genius?
A: Settle down there, junior. Memeicitis’ doesn’t literally mean ‘inflammation of the meme’. It means that a person’s entire life has been taken over by memes – posting them, liking them, reposting and re-liking, sending and receiving, giving and taking, and recommending them strictly from one’s professional experience.
Memeicitis can strike anyone at any time, but it is most likely to affect people who also suffer from Permanently Affixed Face-to-Phone Syndrome (PAFPS). Study suggests that being a PAFPS sufferer increases your chances of developing memeicitis because you are physically unable to do anything but play with your phone.
Q: What are the main symptoms of memeicitis?
A: That’s a great question. Congratulations for asking it. Anyway, the most common symptom of this condition is an unusual obsession with small, computer-generated images accompanied by clever or cute sayings that may or may not resonate with your favorite internet user-type persons.
Some memeicitis suffers experience more specialized forms of the condition. I’m thinking particularly of the feline memeicitis variation which seems to manifest itself in an unusual attachment to cat memes and videos. Meanwhile, the punditry memeicitis variation is observed in people whose entire social media experience is consumed by politics. They can’t help but post memes about politicians, political movements, special interest groups, conspiracy theories, and conversations between Joe Rogan and Elon Musk.
Q: Is there a cure for memeicitis?
A: Absolutely. And to understand that cure, we turn to the medical suffix ‘ectomy’ which is Latin for ‘removed using a really sharp knife or some other instrument capable of mutilating flesh with very little effort from the practitioner’. To perform a tonsillectomy, you cut out the tonsils. To perform a hysterectomy, you remove the hysteria. To correct memeicitis, you perform an memectomy – you cut out using memes.
Q: Are there any side effects from the procedure?
A: We don’t know. No one has ever reported trying it before. Maybe you would like to be the first candidate?
Given that my final response has resulted in crickets, I’ll take that as a sign that it’s time to wrap up this column. Thanks for sticking with us until the end and join us next time when we discuss a topic I probably won’t come up with until it’s time to actually sit down and write. Until then, happy posting!
