One Night Only

Growing older isn’t for the faint of heart. I was recently reminded of that when I read a news story discussing two music legends planning to put on a ‘one night only’ concert in Tampa, Fl. That’s not so unusual in this part of the world. In fact we get our fair share of geriatric musical acts trying to hang on for one last gig. I’ve seen them all. From Herman’s Hermits to Chubby “he’s not so Chubby anymore” Checker, it’s all good — except when said rockers try to look good in skinny jeans and tight shirts. C’mon. For real?

So anyway, the two senior stars planning to grace a stage set up at Raymond James Stadium are none other than Sting and Billy Joel. If you aren’t familiar with these two gentle persons, here’s what you need to know: Sting is the former front man and bassist for the Police while Joel is…well, nobody is quite sure.

I’ll be honest. I hope it all goes well for them. I’m worried it won’t. I can imagine the two strutting across the stage, or should I say shuffling, while singing ‘Every Breath You Take’. On one of the up notes, Sting will have to stop to catch his breath while Joel stands there watching him. A few seconds later, Joel will start laughing. Then he’ll start coughing. Then someone in the audience will shout ‘only the good die young!’

I’m all for doing what you love until you die. I get it. But at some point, everybody’s got to don a pair of plaid shorts and pair it with a polyester bowling shirt complete with sandals and socks. Even the groupies. Oh, don’t get me started with the groupies. They are an interesting lot, especially the group that follows Peter Noone and Herman’s Hermits around.

Imagine a 75-year-old grandmother of 12, showing up for a Herman’s Hermits concert in skin-tight yoga pants, a leopard print tank top, and a wig of flowing blonde hair she thinks is fooling everyone. Then try to stop yourself from watching in horror as she jumps up and down, shrieking like a teenage girl who thinks she’s in love. It’s not befitting.

Speaking of befitting, someone has to mention to the geriatric rocker set that their clothes no longer be fitting them. It’s time to graduate a size or five. Nothing wrong with that, boys and girls. We all put on weight as we age. Oh…and some of us lose our hair, too. If you’re a 72-year-old rocker with a flowing head of hair as thick and wavey as it was in your 20’s, there’s something unnatural going on, if you get my meaning.

By the way, in the words of the immortal Dave Barry, ‘Something Unnatural’ would be a great name for a band. But I digress. Wasn’t this post supposed to be about Sting and Billy Joel? Yes, it was. It turns out that forgetting what you were talking about is another sign of no longer being youngish.

So anyway, BJ and the Stingster are coming to Florida. If you live anywhere on the peninsula and you grew up listening to their music, you might want to plan on getting your tickets as soon as they come out. Then go stock up on your Bengay and support hose. It’s going to be a long night.