Give us a Break – We Floridians Get Cold, Too!
It has been a rough winter here in Florida. Thanks to El Niño – which, by the way, is not a boy band from Nicaragua – my adopted home state has been unseasonably cold since mid-December. And by unseasonably cold, I mean not warm enough for me to step outside in shorts and a t-shirt.
Before you northerners start rolling your eyes and moaning about how good we have it here in the Sunshine state, remember that you whine about Florida being too hot in the summer. Same thing, different season. Just give us a break. We Floridians get cold, too.
Personally, I get the distinct impression that Mr. Niño has had it in for us this winter. Either that or he just retired and bought a new home in Florida. Geeze, I hope that’s not the case. Otherwise, he and the misses will be spending every winter making me freeze my protuberances off.
Anything Below 80°F
So what’s cold to me and my usually toasty warm Florida compatriots? Anything below 80°F. I’m not kidding. That’s why you see Miami Dolphins fans bundled up like Arctic explorers on a 60° day while still launching resounding boos in full surround sound. Sure, 60° is comfortable to you Buffalonians and New Englanders, but it’s cold enough to make a Miami dolphin fall out of a tree. Or is that an iguana? I don’t know.
All I do know is that anything under 80°F seems like torture to me. I have to wear long pants, two shirts and, dare I say it, socks!!
Lord have mercy on me. If you warm up the place I promise to never again wear white socks with cheap, Dollar Store flip-flops. I promise that I will never again wear crocs – under any circumstances. I will remember the lessons of this cold winter and keep them in my heart all year. And I swear on my Tommy Bahama Panama hat that Tiny Tim will get better!
I’m All Better Now
Whew. I don’t know what just happened there. I was thinking about warmer weather when I started having flashbacks to the George C. Scott version of A Christmas Carol. It’s my favorite version by the way. If you disagree, fine. You probably live in Buffalo or Boston.
The good news is that I’m all better now. Thankfully, I have come to my senses and succumbed to the reality that El Niño is still camped out in my back yard. I wonder if I could convince him to move along with free plane tickets to Barbados. Probably not. I have a funny feeling the Niños are more of a cruise couple.
I suppose I will just have to stick it out until El Niño gets bored and heads home, wherever that is. In the meantime, I’ll keep the heater on and the fuzzy black bathrobe handy. I will continue huddling with my wife in front of a south-facing front door as we desperately try to soak up every degree of heat the sun puts out.
You northerners can keep laughing at our complaints of the cold. We will get even. Next time you come down for a relaxing holiday, we’ll make it so hot that your eyelids retreat into your skulls to stay cool. And when you feel it necessary to ask us how we stand the heat, we’ll just laugh and mutter aimlessly about El Niño.
