Exploding Toaster Pastries: A Cautionary Breakfast Tale


Friends and breakfast lovers, lend me your ears. There are certain things you should not put in a microwave oven. Gremlins immediately come to mind. Ditto for New England clam chowder, anything metal, and the infamous toaster pastry.

Why not toaster pastries? Google ‘exploding Pop-Tarts’ and you’ll discover an entire class of people demonstrating a surprising lack of living cells between their ears putting fully wrapped Pop-Tarts in the mic. But dear readers, their shenanigans – which is a Gaelic word for ‘stupid things done by Irish persons’ – are completely unrelated. No, I want to tell you the tale of a toaster pastry that exploded without any help from a foil wrapper.

A Tasty Treat Indeed

I think we can all agree that toaster pastries are, on most mornings when we aren’t awake enough to understand the difference between nutrition and substances that won’t kill us immediately, delicious. Yes. I said it. Toaster pastries are delicious, which is how I know they are bad for me. They will rot my gut AND my teeth, right along with cola and donuts.

Nonetheless, I decided that a tasty pair of frosted chocolate toaster pastries would be the perfect form of sustenance one Thursday morning in the not too distant past. By the way, wouldn’t ‘Perfect Form of Sustenance’ be a perfect title for the next Gordon Ramsey TV show? It could feature angry people in a kitchen arguing over whether or not their patron chef would dare eat a Pop-Tart.

Anyway, said toaster pastries were longing to enjoin themselves to my digestive tract. I know. I could hear them begin calling me at approximately 4:21 that morning. I was more than happy to oblige their yearnings, but I have a policy against consuming even small quantities of tepid toaster pastries. This particular set would have to be heated before they could grace my lips.

Open Up and Climb In

Not one to waste time thinking things through when action is waiting to be taken, I unwrapped my future breakfast fare (I’ve seen the videos) in preparation for their microwave therapy session. Then I opened the mic door and placed them gently inside, on a mic-safe plate, mind you. Without even looking at the screen, I pushed what I supposed was the ‘quick start’ button that would heat my sweet treats for no more than 30 seconds.

What was I to do with my brain while I waited? There wasn’t enough time to think about anything that really mattered, so I decided to ponder why toaster pastries continue to retain their name when so many kitchens are devoid of their namesake appliance. How many people really have toasters? How many of them got their toasters as wedding gifts?

While I pondered the existential nature of toasters and their relation to the universe, I lost track of time. I apparently lost the ability to smell and hear as well, because my senses did not alert me to the percolating pastries within the microwave space.

Perhaps in my hubris, I didn’t hit the ‘quick start’ button after all. Perhaps I hit the number ‘7’ which just happens to be north of the button I had intended to depress. I suppose I will never know. What I do know is that, at some point, the chocolate pastry twins were no longer able to bear the radio wave excitement to which they were being subjected. After a cry for help, a cry I managed to completely ignore, they promptly exploded.

Not a Pretty Sight

It was not a pretty sight, my friends. Exploded chocolate filling does not make for a pretty looking microwave, especially when combined with all sorts of previously deposited food debris in a variety of colors and textures. Quite frankly, it looked like a Gremlin had taken a dump in my mic.

I was left without any breakfast calories, empty or otherwise, with which to satisfy a stomach now loudly protesting its lack of gainful employment. What was I to do? No time to clean the mic and start over. My only recourse was a bowl of bran flakes and cold milk – the breakfast of old people striving to remain regular.

Maybe someday I will be brave enough to try again. But for now, I think I will limit my pastry heating practices to the toaster. The only remaining question is whether or not the toaster would play nicely with a Krispy Kreme glazed donut. Don’t judge me. The best way to eat Krispy Kreme is hot.


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