Everything I Know About Germany I Learned From Hogan’s Heroes
An acquaintance greeted me this fine morning with words spoken in German. Could I repeat his greeting? Not a chance. I only mention it because his use of the mother tongue caused me to briefly reflect on my own German heritage. My father’s side of the family is almost all German. My mother’s side is a mixture of just about every European bloodline to have ever existed.
Knowing what I know about genetics, which is about as much as I know about Germany from watching Hogan’s Heroes, I consider my heritage more German than anything else. And guess what? There are a lot of good things about being German. Don’t believe me? Check these out:
1. I’m Not French
The best thing about being German is not being French. I mean, I have a hard enough time pronouncing words like ‘wiener schnitzel’ and ‘sauerkraut’. I couldn’t even imagine going into a French restaurant and ordering ‘omelette du fromage’. Besides, the French are so…French. Sure, they’ve got a great toast recipe. I also like what they did with the common potato. But I just don’t care for the whole ‘vive la France’ thing.
2. Germans Insist on Dessert
I’m not going to lie. Dessert is my favorite food group. I love being German because dessert is something we excel at. We have to. We need a reward for forcing rubbery pork chops and flavorless boiled potatoes down our throats. Eating German food just makes dessert so much more delicious.
We Germans insist on dessert with every meal. Whether it’s cake, cookies, tarts, or even a lint-laden butterscotch candy pulled from a pair of jeans just before they enter the washing machine, there will be dessert. Always.
3. We have German Engineering
Everyone knows that cars are better when they come with German engineering. I don’t know what that means, but I know that only Germans have whatever German engineering is. Maybe it’s a dessert of some sort.
I can imagine two Mercedes Benz sedans approaching each other from opposite directions. They slow and eventually stop. Meanwhile, the two rear windows go down as one passenger says to his colleague in the other car, “Would you happen to have any German engineering?”
“But of course,” the other passenger would say as he hands something out the window, something that looks a lot like chocolate and caramel mixed together in a way only German engineers could come up with. Bon appetit! Wait, that was French. Perhaps I should say, “guten appetit!”
4. We Know How to Deny Culpability
Most everything I know about Germany I learned from Hogan’s Heroes. That includes the fact that Germans are especially adept at denying culpability. The venerable Sgt. Schultz was a zen master of denial. All it took was a little strudel and he would see nothing, hear nothing, and know nothing. Brilliant!
Schultz’s boss, one Colonel Klink, wasn’t a master denier like his top sergeant, but he was no slouch either. Klink could deny culpability with the best of them. He reminds me a lot of Joe Biden; incompetent most of the time, but just lucid enough to be threatening. When something goes wrong, deny.
Being of German descent has its advantages. I know, because right now you are thinking about a piece of black forest cake. You’re welcome. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out how I’m going to explain the missing German engineering. It was delicious, but I will deny everything.
