Crazy Sports Fans and Napoleon XIV: A Marriage Made Somewhere
Stevie Wonder’s 1972 Talking Book album was pretty darned good. My favorite song on that album is ‘Superstition’, not because I’m a superstitious guy mind you, but because any song that can pull off talking about a 13-month old baby breaking a mirror has got something going on.
Of course, ‘Superstition’ doesn’t hold a candle to the lyrical genius of Napoleon XIV’s 1966 hit ‘They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!’. Here’s the second verse, which I swear I am not making up:
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right?
You know you laughed
I heard you laugh, you laughed
You laughed and laughed and then you left
But now you know I’m utterly mad
Who writes such crazy stuff? Methinks the author of this phenomenal piece of musical prose grew up to become a Kamala Harris speechwriter. Or not. This song makes more sense than anything I’ve heard from the Cackler-in-Chief.
Dance, Chat, and Pray
So anyway, I wonder how many Stevie Wonder fans play that song during the pre-game ritual they think will help their team win. Think I’m kidding about this? I’m not. Really. According to a news source that I sometimes, somewhat believe, an estimated 31% of American sports fans sincerely believe their pre-game rituals help their teams win.
What kinds of rituals are we talking about? Nothing serious. It’s not like New England Patriots fans are grabbing fully-inflated footballs and sucking half the air out with ice-cold lips. Dodgers fans aren’t scratching themselves incessantly while spitting on the floor and rubbing their little tummies. But dancing, chatting, and praying are apparently all on the table – at least according to the news article I read.
The praying thing might be problematic for the ACLU, so all of you inclined to invoke a higher power to ensure your team isn’t a total embarrassment should probably refrain from live streaming that portion of your day on TikTok. As for dancing and chanting, shouldn’t you be getting paid for that? That’s what professional (wink, wink) cheerleader persons are for.
Step Up Your Game for the Big Win
No, dear friends. All of that other stuff is bush league. How do I know? Because the Chicago White Sox and Detroit Lions remain victorily challenged no matter what their fans do. Even worse, the WNBA still has fewer fans than Big League Curling and the World Go Fish Tour, so those take-no-chances-at-being-bold rituals aren’t working out very well. Are they?
I think it’s time for you serious sports ritual fans to step up your game. Go for the big win instead of dancing around the ritualistic fringes. What do I suggest? First, get your next door neighbor, Roger, to shave your head while wearing a blindfold and dancing to ‘Living in America’ by James Brown. If your neighbor’s name isn’t Roger, you’ll have to file the paperwork to change it well in advance of the next game.
After the head shaving, make your way to the front yard dressed as your team’s mascot. There, you will challenge all the neighborhood kids to a sack race, whereby you run across the lawn with a sack over your head while the kids spin around baseball bats until they throw up. It doesn’t matter who wins. All you need to complete this portion of the ritual is kid vomit. Run as slowly as possible to ensure vomit maximization.
Finally, go back inside and quickly take off the mascot costume. Comb your hair so that it forms a perfectly proportioned part on the right side. If you’re rocking a comb-over, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Either way, kiss the mirror and shout “mala wala boo boo tang!”
That’s it. Complete this ritual and one of two things will happen: either the Lions will find a way to win or you’ll be joining Napoleon XIV on a wonderful ride out to the country!
