“Catch Me If You Can, Coppers!”
Straight from the files of ‘Criminals Whose Lights Are Not All On Upstairs’ comes this little gem out of…wait for it…Florida! Yes my friends, Florida Man strikes again – this time while riding a stolen Walmart mobility scooter.
This particular incident of criminal genius occurred about an hour from my home. Too bad the brilliant thief in question never made it to my neighborhood. A man-on-the-street interview with someone of such intellectual prowess would have been the capstone to my brief career (this is it, folks) as a journalist.
The Getaway Scooter
So what transpired in the lovely metropolis of Lakeland, Florida? On July 17, an enterprising shoplifter decided to help himself to a nice selection of jewelry and hand-held video games. There has been no word from Walmart as to whether or not an overpaid employee slightly resembling someone who might constitute a living, breathing, helpful sales associate assisted the customer as he made his selections.
Whether or not he received assistance, the payment averse patron made his way out the exit without producing nary a dime in monetary compensation. To make a successful getaway more likely, said patron helped himself to one of Walmart’s electric mobility scooters. Smart thinking there, Roscoe!
The Chase Ensued
Someone from either Loss Prevention or the Department of Slackers Whose Only Job is to Retrieve Carts and Scooters from the Parking Lot contacted local police. Henceforth, a chase ensued. I think.
Perhaps ‘chase’ is too strong a word. ‘Chase’ implies at least a modicum of competition between chaser and chasee. In this case, a better way to describe the cops’ ‘contact with the public would be a leisurely drive accompanied by police officers laughing so hard they were snorting coffee and donuts from slightly inflamed nasal cavities.
Go the Other Way, Einstein
Speaking of coffee and donuts, in what direction would you flee if you were trying to evade capture by the men and women of the illustrious Lakeland PD? I would figure out where the police were and go in the opposite direction. Not this rocket scientist.
No, ladies and gentle persons. The man who could very well win the 2024 award for Worst Career Move in Crime was finally apprehended in front of, and I swear I am not making this up, a Dunkin’ Donuts just up the road from Walmart.
Now there’s a bust for the ages. I’m guessing news clips of Officer Friendly taking down a brazen criminal riding a Walmart Mobility scooter past a Dunkin’ Donuts are going to wind up on the Lakeland PD Wall of Fame. What a proud moment for the crook when he tells his grandchildren about how he was once captured by the finest law enforcement agency within five miles of a donut shop.
Not On the Fast Track
Our creatively lacking absconder may have doomed himself to entry-level work until he retires. I’m guessing that his career in petty theft does not have him on the fast track to becoming an organized crime boss – especially since Walmart mobility scooters tend to top out at a blazingly slow 2 mph. Yes, 2 mph. At that rate, the poor guy would be 842 before he had committed enough successful crimes to even be considered mob worthy.
But I guess all’s well that ends well. Walmart got its merchandise and electric scooter back, the Lakeland PD got the opportunity to laugh harder than anyone in the department had laughed since the last Florida Man incident, and I got fodder for a new post. All I can say at this point is, “Dude, remember the old adage: if at first you don’t succeed, try again!”
Please, try again. The laughs are priceless.
