3 Things I Learned at the Local Arts Festival

Every January, a certain theme park here in Central Florida runs an arts festival. It’s an opportunity for people like me to spend snobbishly large amounts of currency on everything from food to meaningless trinkets that will be cast aside exactly 4.6 seconds after getting in the car to go home. You can even buy expensive artwork at the arts festival. I know. Pretty convenient, right?

So we went yesterday. We went on the very first weekend of what will be a month-and-a-half-long event. Why not wait until some of the initial buzz wears off so that we can actually stroll freely around the park rather than being carried along by a sea of humanity? Because we are suckers for the mob mentality. That’s why.

Don’t judge us. There are mobs you would happily engage with to satisfy whatever itch you desperately need scratched.

So anyway, yesterday was quite a learning opportunity. Here are just five of the life-changing lessons I brought home, in lieu of original artwork I could not afford because my income is significantly below the GDP of several lesser-known countries – like Tonga, for example:

1. The Sea Doesn’t Care

At the top of the list of things I learned is that the Sea doesn’t care – about anything or anyone. It’s one big mass of people driven by inertia and possessed by an indescribable urge to get somewhere. By the way, ‘Driven by Inertia’ sounds like a rideshare app for physicists. But I digress. My point here is that the Sea doesn’t care that you want to get to shore.

I saw a booth I wanted to stop at, way in the distance. I began formulating my plan to exit the Sea well in advance of any need to do so. But in order to get ashore, I had to start moving to the right. The Sea wouldn’t let me. I had to do my best impression of a New York City cabbie forcing his way across three lanes to get out. I hit my exit just in time. Had I been just a few seconds later, it would have meant another lap around before trying it again.

2. Certain People Shouldn’t Wear Certain Clothes

As we made our way through the Sea, a female of the species approached from the other direction. She was, for lack of a better description, chest advantaged. The only problem was this: her advantageousness had begun to drop, if you know what I mean. In fact, it was half-way to her knees. It had dropped so much that her tank top was more like a knapsack than a holster. Time for updated wardrobe choices, my dear.

3. Other People Shouldn’t Shake Their Booties

As I fought valiantly to unsee tank top lady, I was distracted enough to allow a group of older women pass me within the Sea. I’m guessing they were about my age. This shouldn’t be a problem except that I use a wheelchair outside the house. So in the Sea of humanity, I am eye level with the posterior appendages of anyone directly in front of me. And at this particular moment in time, I was looking at a woman whose caboose had fallen off the rails years earlier. It was being dragged along by the rest of the train against its will.

I could have lived with the visual had the Sea continued without rhythmic influence. But, to my chagrin, we passed by a stage pulsating with musical tones. Lady Caboose couldn’t resist the temptation. Booty shaking ensued, as did an ocular experience I cannot describe in words. Needless to say, some booties should not be shaken. They shouldn’t even be stirred.

Finally, I learned that people will sell their kids and liquidate their 401k plans to buy something that someone with a name tag says is art. They will eat food that looks like art, even if it’s made from previously enjoyed art supplies scraped up from the studio floor. But as I like to say, no harm, no foul. I and my fellow festival goers had a good, old time being lost in the Sea for a few hours. It was a lot more fun than watching the news.